An Idiot’s Guide to Self-Publishing… Part One

The idiot in question being yours truly! Having researched the subject, I’ve discovered that self-publishing takes a lot of work, time, effort, and can involve spending what to most of us is a significant amount of money. And all with no guarantee of actually selling any copies of your book, and generating some income. So am I an idiot?
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Royal Wedding? What bloody Royal wedding?

I’m sorry to rain on peoples’ parade (though the royals have been reigning on mine for as long as I can remember) but I’ve no interest in the royal wedding. In fact, not only am I not interested, I positively don’t want to hear about it.

Every time I switch on radio, TV, or internet and hear another royal correspondent fawning sickeningly over ‘the royal couple’, it makes me more irritated. And it reminds me just how out of tune with society I am. Sometimes I just don’t understand people. Actually, scratch that – I don’t understand people most of the time. And I’m sure people don’t understand me, so let me explain myself. If two people that I don’t know, and are not known to anyone else that I know, are getting married, I don’t see why I should be expected to show any interest in their wedding. Any more than I would be interested in any of the other weddings, between people I don’t know, that take place up and down the country every day. Oh, but this couple are special. What, because they’re privileged and wealthy? Sorry, that doesn’t endear them to me. But it’s the royal family, isn’t it!

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I’m not that keen on the royal family. In celebrating the monarchy we are celebrating a tradition whereby the ordinary people were subjugated and oppressed by a tiny, privileged minority. Oh, but it’s not the same now,  they don’t have the power they used to. No, but they still draw down huge quantities of our hard earned cash from the exchequer. Surfs [1.] like me are still expected to bow and to scrape, to use the prescribed sycophantic descriptors such as ‘your royal majesty’; to speak only when spoken to, and don’t whatever you do touch the royal person. And they still have some powers, even if they are only nominal ones. Above all, again I would cite the argument that we are celebrating the cruel and unjust way this country was governed.

People say ‘so you’re a republican then’, using the word as a pejorative, as if we all agree that wouldn’t do. But what does it actually mean? Would we really need a president if we lose the royal family? It’s only the queen who has any necessary parliamentary duties, and these barely take up any of her time. Give them to the character known as Black Rod (and make his job subject to equal opportunities and appointment through a standard recruitment procedure). And then we can give queenie a modest pension and a small house in the country, and let all the little royal  hangers-on support themselves.

So I won’t be watching the royal wedding today. Nothing could make me. I did get a bit interested when I heard Harry’s father might be giving the bride away. If the bride’s mother was doing it, I still wouldn’t watch. Maybe if it was a humanist wedding, with the ceremony conducted to a soundtrack of dub reggae (plus Handel’s coronation anthem, of course) with readings by Benjamin Zephaniah, I might be more interested. I do think it’s a good thing that the royal family is becoming more diverse (it’s great that they felt able to welcome a ginger person into the family).

At least you can wish them well, can’t you? No. Why should I? Any more than I should for any other couple I don’t know. I’m willing to believe they’re both very nice people, but I don’t know them. I don’t wish them ill. That’s the most I’ll concede…

 

  1. That’s ‘Surf’ not ‘Smurf’ – although thinking about the royals does make me blue.

 

Text copyright Graham Wright 2018

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Religious Intrusion in Perth

Mrs Literarylad and I have recently come back from a holiday in Australia. In Perth, we metaphorically walked our legs off exploring this city that we know well from previous visits, but which is changing rapidly.

Down by the waterfront, the walking got too much and, like a couple of toddlers that refuse to go any further, we just had to sit down for a while. It was a great place to stop, looking out across the water to South Perth, Heirisson Island and  King’s Park away to our right. But our peace was disturbed by an unwanted intrusion when two young guys turned up and made straight for us. Continue reading

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The Vegetarian – book review

Until now, the few reviews I’ve done on this blog have been of books, and films, that I’ve liked, the rationale being that if you can’t find something good to say, then don’t say anything. I don’t like to be critical, but sometimes, in the interest of balance,  perhaps I should be. This is the time, and The Vegetarian, by Han Kang, is the book.


Warning

This review gives away a lot of the plot so, as they say on the sports reports, if you don’t want to know the result, look away now… Continue reading

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Should writers really be using grammar correction software?

A few days ago, while I was looking at a website, a video advert appeared for something called ‘Grammarly’. I hadn’t heard of it before, but no prizes for guessing it’s an app that checks your grammar (as well as spelling and punctuation). I don’t know why, but I’ve never really thought that such a thing might exist. I have to admit I was appalled, and particularly concerned about the implication for writers, but should I have been?

Grammarly doesn’t have the market all to itself. As you might imagine, if one company is selling a grammar checker, others will be too. Two of the more imaginatively named competitors are White Smoke and Ginger. White Smoke says it will:

improve your writing by catching common grammatical, spelling…’ etc. ‘The result is elevated writing that conveys a command of the English language.‘ (1.)

But shouldn’t we all be able to write in a way that ‘conveys a command of the English language’? It hurts me to think that in the twenty-first century people are still coming out of school unable to do that for themselves. These apps target, amongst others, students. I can’t help thinking that giving students access to these tools isn’t a good idea, but it’s the application of this kind of tool to those who write for a living that concerns me most.

According to the website (and just in case you were wondering, I’m not getting paid for adding these links):

Grammarly helps you write mistake free…‘ it ‘corrects…grammar, punctuation, spelling mistakes, contextual errors, suggests style improvements.‘ (2.)

It’s that phrase ‘suggests style improvements‘. For anyone who writes for a living, whether you’re a journalist, you have to produce business reports now and then, or you come up with the rhymes that go into greetings cards, I’d call that cheating. I’d give you the analogy of putting a guidance system into a golf ball, so that however much the player slices the shot, the ball always stays on the fairway.

But for a creative writer – a writer of fiction – it’s even worse. Because ‘style’, surely, is what gives  a writer their identity; what the publishing industry, with its love of euphemism, calls the writer’s ‘voice’. It’s interesting that, as writers are increasingly expected to be adept in marketing, computing software is taking away the need for some of their more fundamental skills. Do grammar checking apps diminish the craft of writing? You could argue that fiction writing (or at least, mainstream fiction writing) is becoming ever more homogenised, with writers being trammelled into producing work that fits into narrow formulaic categories. These kind of spell-checker-on-steroids apps are unlikely to do anything for the diversification of creative writing.

Surely producing interesting prose that communicates effectively, has character, style, and is maybe even beautiful, whilst also being grammatically correct (although we have the prerogative to break the rules on purpose) is what makes a writer. If the process of writing involves being trailed by an app that changes the order of your words, or suggests alternative phrasings in real time, doesn’t that take away much of the satisfaction? Doesn’t it mean that the finished work is rather less your own work?

This is modern life. The machines allow us to achieve more and more that we couldn’t manage on our own. But there’s a price to pay. We are increasingly allowing ourselves to be moulded to fit the machines; the laptops, tablets, phones – the devices. It’s something of a Faustian pact – the computers offer us things we could only ever imagine, but in some respects, we’re giving up our souls in return. The machines allow us to fly, but one day they’ll stop, either because they’ve become so advanced they realise they don’t need us any more, or because our delicate, over-elaborate ‘tech’ infrastructure is rendered useless by a change in our circumstances. And then what are we going to do?

The Top Ten Reviews website (3.) gives Grammarly a gold award and says it’s their best performer. But at the same time, they give it an accuracy figure of on 60%, so perhaps these apps are not all they’re cracked up to be. And maybe these grammar checking apps aren’t actually much more than advanced spell-checkers. Or perhaps the damage they do in relieving us of the need to be able to ‘write properly’ will be outweighed by their ability to teach us how to write properly.

What do you think? Do they devalue our talents as writers, or are they just another tool to help us communicate more effectively?

Oh, and if you find any mistakes in this post, it will be because I didn’t use a grammar checker…

 

  1. http://www.whitesmoke.com
  2. https://www.grammarly.com
  3. http://www.toptenreviews.com/software/education/best-writing-enhancement-software/

 

Text copyright Graham Wright 2018

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The Post of Xmas Past…

…and present, and future.
xmas cardChristmas!
A time when millions of Britons take time out from their busy lives to worship at the altar of gluttony, binge drinking and conspicuous consumption. A time when, for once, we can briefly forget about our responsibilities toward the environment. We decorate our houses and gardens with enough lights to suck a power station dry (and don’t they look pretty?) And it’s been estimated that over the festive period over 114,000 tonnes of plastic packaging will be thrown away [1].
Humbug! Yes – some of it will comes from mint humbugs (probably not much!)

But cut to the chase Graham. I present below, for your delectation, a Christmas poem. It’s called…

Bad Jumpers.

The epitome of Christmas,
The litmus test of our commitment to being merry,
The very height of kitsch,
With every stitch a garish addition
To this recent tradition of keeping warm with an absence of style.
For a while, this temporary fashion trend holds sway,
Until at least Boxing Day,
And then it goes away for another year.

Let’s be clear,
It wouldn’t do to wear the same jumper two years running;
Where’s the fun in that?
Each design is unique;
The price of belonging to the clique,
Worn only for a week
Then never seen again.

What happens, I wonder,
To all those Christmas jumpers;
Can anyone explain?
Are they given away, or thrown away?
Are they stored in ever growing piles,
Until the inevitable clear out comes about,
And the ghosts of Christmas jumpers past,
Musty and moth-eaten, are chucked out at last?

Don’t think these woollen wonders are moronic.
No – they’re ‘ironic’.
And as well as parting with the cash,
It requires confidence and panache
To wear these garments,
Gaudy, warm and thick,
Without looking like a dick.

 

[1] UK environmental coalition calls for stronger measures to cut plastic waste.

 

Text and graphic copyright © Graham Wright 2017

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Robot Writing

I’ve heard reports that an increasing number of articles are being written by robots. This is a worrying trend. We’ve become used to robots in manufacturing, and accepted that while they might have displaced some human workers, at least the jobs that have gone generally weren’t very rewarding. And the loss of jobs has been at least partially offset by new, more interesting jobs creating, programming, and managing the robots.
But now we’re being warned of a new wave of automation, with so called AI – Artificial Intelligence – machines that can do the jobs we thought machines could never do. And with the machines beginning to encroach on my territory, I’m starting to get twitchy. Continue reading

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